Skip navigation

Damage Control

I admire your lifestyle, but you must apologize for your hot-tub arousal

From Friday's Globe and Mail

You must apologize for your hot-tub arousal ...Read the full article

This conversation is closed

  1. A C from France writes: As to apologies nothing more than honouring the covenants of marriage is necessary here, if I keep a straight face and answer hypothetically. But I just can't manage to take the story seriously!

    I gotta hand it to ya Dave, you are unique....You may be a script writer but you haven't put yourself into the position of your characters. These borderline swingers are gonna ask you for advice? Well why not after all, it's good for a laugh.

    Keep up the good work.
  2. Valkyrie 23 from Guelph, Canada writes: Hahaha! That was hilarious! I don't know how old these people are, but at least it wasn't Sarah's teenage (and I mean late teens, of course) DAUGHTER they became 'noticeably aroused' over. Now THAT would be funny!

    And who CARES if the husbands were aroused anyway? Men get aroused over things all the time. I'm a woman, and I understand that. My boyfriend got slightly aroused at the autoshow when I posed (as a joke) with those skantily-clad Ferrelli chicks. If the women are feeling they aren't getting the reaction they deserve, well, maybe they should get some lingerie or something. Or maybe they should make out in the hot tub- that would probably turn their men on, no matter how old they are ;)
  3. Gravol Insomnia from Canada writes: Hahahahaha!! Funny, very funny!
  4. michael smith from Toronto, Canada writes: 'Perhaps not surprisingly, the two who felt it is controllable were women; the one who felt it wasn't was a man.'

    do Women ever shut up?
    even have opinions on matters they have no clue about !
  5. Billy Z from San Diego, United States writes: best globe column ever.
  6. Rosencrantz Guildenstern from Canada writes: Hmm... to properly evaluate this situation, I think we need to understand more about Sarah. More detail please -- and photos!

    As for the subject matter, the guy can't be held responsible for the reaction of his penis. It's a reflex.
  7. Rosencrantz Guildenstern from Canada writes: Judith Golden, another Toronto sex therapist who scolded me from the other side of the fence: 'Think about it, Dave. You know perfectly well it's in your control.'

    Based on that advice, I can only conclude Ms Golden is a fraud and a liar.
  8. fortunate one from Canada writes:
    Women are more adept at concealing the external manifestations of arousal, and so make a virtue of the fact. Judith 'You know perfectly well it's in your control' Golden is only a more hypocritical expression of the difference.





  9. New World from Toronto, Canada writes: As a man, I also would like to point out that NO... we cannot control it, it isn't a tail as much as we'd like it to be =D

    So what are the other opinions on this? Let's get this question settled once and for all so i can show my girlfriend the results and hopefully quiet her down about it haha
  10. A C from France writes: 'michael smith from Toronto, Canada writes: ...do Women ever shut up?'

    No Mike I'm afraid they don't. It's one of the constants in life like pi in mathematics, or e is in physics.
  11. New World from Toronto, Canada writes: A C from France....

    heh.. i know they're emotional more than they're reasonable most of the time, but if it's a 1 vs 1 thing, the girl pretty much ALWAYS wins... arguing otherwise is just a waste of effort because even if you could logically structure an argument to convince her that you're right and she's wrong, they have this stupid pride where you're gonna have to make them feel better afterwards anyways... so why bother in the first place??? haha

    So in order to win without a fight, i need overwhelming numbers to say, 'see! EVERYONE says so!'
  12. kat i from Whitby, Canada writes: This is the exact reason why there is no need to flip through the Comics. Dave, enjoyed your research on this. :)
  13. Citizen K from Canada writes: What's most disturbing to me is that his buddy got turned on by looking at his sister-in-law. If I was that guy's wife, that would be a serious red flag.
  14. A C from France writes: 'New World from Toronto, Canada writes: ...
    So in order to win without a fight, i need overwhelming numbers to say, 'see! EVERYONE says so!''

    New World you don't know the first thing about women. You're still arguing?

    'Structuring an argument logically'? I agree, a waste of time.

    The only thing you need to know about arguing with a woman is:

    if you win, you LOSE.
  15. Resitance is Futile from Canada writes: michael smith from Toronto, Canada writes: 'do Women ever shut up?'
    'A C from France writes: 'michael smith from Toronto, Canada writes: ...do Women ever shut up?''No Mike I'm afraid they don't. It's one of the constants in life like pi in mathematics, or e is in physics. ''

    And we were just talking about misogyny were we?
    Replace the word Women with blacks, Mexicans or Chinese...
    'Do Blacks ever shut up?'
    'Do Mexicans ever shut up?'
    'Do Chinese ever shut up?'
    Noone would ever make comments like that but Í guess it's ok about Women (with a capital W to distinguish that they are one group thinking and behaving as one).
  16. A C from France writes: 'Resitance is Futile'

    Ok we've got our PC troll on line.

    Sorry pseudo says it all!

    Anyone with life experience will confirm it.

    $crew your PC rant
  17. Western Girl from Canada writes:
    Knee-jerk, unthinking misogynistic comments aside from our resident tumescent-member heads michael smith and AC from France, I just have to say this was the funniest column I've read here in a while. And, as a woman, I will say that I completely get that men can't control 'it'. Any more than, frankly, women can. Any woman who denies that, or feels that she's more 'virtuous' as a result of her 'invisible response' is sadly out of touch with her feelings and her body. Men and women are sexual creatures. We respond. It's not like this woman's husband took it any further - THAT would have been an issue. A woman with a healthy sense of self esteem and confidence in her relationship would have laughed off her husband's 'accident'. Sounds like she's got some work to do on herself.
  18. A C from France writes: 'Western Girl from Canada writes:
    Knee-jerk, unthinking misogynistic comments aside from our resident tumescent-member heads michael smith and AC from France'

    ...do Women ever shut up?''No Mike I'm afraid they don't.
  19. A C from France writes: 'Western Girl from Canada writes:
    And New World, you're just an a**hole.'

    This is the BEST from the poster who wrote: 'aside from our resident tumescent-member heads'

    Hard to look at yourself in the face in the morning, I take it?
  20. Western Girl from Canada writes:
    AC from France - and the fact that you're so bothered by that puts you directly in our control. Live with it.
  21. Anony Mouse from Canada writes: I can only imagine how nourishing this marriage must be if it is expected that you were to be self-neutered as soon as you got married.

    I am grateful to be in a relationship where my partner and I can discuss when (and why) we feel attracted to someone else with great respect for one another and without judgments, blame and just genuinely out of interest of increasing our own intimacy. We are monogamous, however we aren't sexually dead, and yes, there are times where we may feel attracted to someone else (and generally it's based on an objectification of some sort).

    Some people seem to find the idea of being attracted to others or sharing that with their partner to be a taboo or 'against the rules' or a slipperly slope but amazingly enough, we find that being as open and honest about those issues just as we are about others, has us feel closer and also removes the 'taboo' of the attraction in first place diminishing that attraction for the other third party and actually increasing our attraction for one another. And again, the sharing comes along with great respect for one another. That does NOT mean we do not at times feel tinges of jealousy when we hear these 'sharings' but we also discuss and share that with one another.
  22. A C from France writes: 'Western Girl from Canada writes:
    AC from France - and the fact that you're so bothered by that puts you directly in our control. Live with it.'

    Looks like you're bothered baby, not me!

    I'm under nobody's control, because I don't let myself be manipulated by dishonest women.
  23. Chrissy Simon from Canada writes: I think the person in this foursome of friends with the biggest issue is Pam, the other wife who became jealous because the letter writer had never been aroused by the sight of her. If you let a man hang out in a hot tub with naked women, he's likely to become aroused at some point (unless the only woman he's exposed to is Pam!) As long as he never acts on those feelings, it shouldn't be a big deal.
  24. Rosencrantz Guildenstern from Canada writes: Speaking of involuntary arousal, wasn't there a major report recently that appeared on the Globe Site about a study of female phyiscal arousal occuring when viewing porn or animals having sex, even when they reported no emotional/mental interest?

    Yes ... here it is:

    theglobeandmail.com

    I wonder if the female 'sex therapists' who ignorantly insist that men can control arousal share the same false and ignorant position on female arousal response. Or perhaps they take this as yet another opportunity to assert a double standard.

  25. Kim Philby from Canada writes: Just living up to our scientific name: homo erectus.
  26. Citizen K from Canada writes: Fantasies, okay. Sure. But to let your guard down enough to actually show physical signs of attraction to your sister-in-law in front of your wife? That's just weird. It's not weird to be feel aroused by an attractive woman but it is weird to show that attraction in front of your wife - her sister.

    My thinking is just that if anyone is going to be in the dog house, it should be THAT guy, not the man who wrote into the Globe. If my spouse was, ahem, visibly attracted to one of my siblings I would be seriously creeped out - Whether it's a natural physical reaction or not.
  27. Ursula Seawitch from Canada writes: Great column DE. It's nice to have a bit of fun when most of the news is so dreary.
    Since it was a man who wrote and a man who answered, allow me to give the women some advice.
    Next time you are hot tubbing bring your sexy nephew to join in the tubbing. See how the men feel about their manhood then. And
    Before the weekend of tubbing, rock your man's world in an advance strike. All's fair in love and war
  28. Overtaxed and underlaid from Canada writes: Ah man, you totally blew a good thing! If you can ever get back into the hot tub, try biting your tongue next time a hot lil' sibling comes over and you feel the launch sequence being activated...
  29. Chris Edwards from Canada writes: Good plan Ursula.

    Of course, it could backfire if the boys become noticeably aroused again - but that's another column altogether.
  30. Resitance is Futile from Canada writes: A C from France writes: 'You are one confused puppy.'
    Yes yes let's not state the obvious... Irrelevancy and illogic usually does confuse people... and puppies.
    The trick is not to be irrelevant or illogical...
    or prove what you said is relevant and logical... that'll do too :P
  31. A C from France writes: 'Citizen K from Canada writes: Fantasies, okay. Sure. But to let your guard down enough to actually show physical signs of attraction to your sister-in-law in front of your wife? That's just weird.'

    You obviously haven't clicked in to the posts here (unless it's me). You're talking about a man stopping an erection from happening when he is nude in a hot tub and sees a beautiful woman?

    Just checking.
  32. A C from France writes: Anyone need a straw man argument, see Resitance is Futile*.

    The rest of us are interested in the article and reactions.
  33. Citizen K from Canada writes: I'm talking about a man thinking, 'Hmm. Wife's beautiful sister. Hmm. Wife sitting right next to me. I see this ending badly...' and then taking the necessary steps to at least try to think about Grandma, geometry, whatever it takes to try to override the biological reaction. Because although it may be a natural biological reaction, it's also a natural psychological reaction to be royally pissed that your husband got an erection from looking at your sister.

    Whether's it's biologically natural or not, from a wife's perspective, you can't deny the ick factor.
  34. gene eng from Markham, Canada writes: Didn't the article say that both men there were aroused at the sight of this new participant?

    As a man, I was not aroused being examined by my female family doctor. That is because my mind has been turned off (or pre-occupied with other issues) at the clinic. But in a social setting, come on. Everyone wants to be attractive to others. No one wants to be considered as uninteresting.
  35. Olivia Beck from Canada writes: erm... you're going to take on nekkid tubbing and swimming, then expect some surprises.

    and yes, gentlemen struggle to control their appendages, and sometimes this causes them grief... like in this example. (Jeez! Even I know this, and I'm a woman who is no 'expert' in the matters of sexual health.)
  36. A C from France writes: 'Citizen K from Canada writes:...you can't deny the ick factor.'

    Gotcha on the ick factor there. But I'm sorry to insist, because you still don't seem to get it. Hottub, beautiful nude woman. Spells woody to me.

    I think you'd just have to grow up and get over it.

    But I won't make another remark about women expecting men to understand their feelings and reactions, without making any efforts to doing the same for men. I just might get flamed for stating the obvious by Resistance is futile
  37. A C from France writes: 'Resitance is Futile from Canada writes: ...Keep that in mind for future posts eh... '

    I knew the post with that word wouldn't last long (the editors probably are too). But at least it got a rise outta you!
  38. gene eng from Markham, Canada writes: Hey, AC From France, just book an appointment with a female doctor! And if she is any good, she will do the routine prostate exam.
  39. chanel turner from Canada writes: okay- I guess I am an old fashioned prude-- .
    Why are couples in hot tubs together naked?
    Why do invite an attractive single girl to join the party when I am sure you know ahead of time her attributes are 'better' then the members already at the party?
    Is this just not asking for trouble?
    Sorry, just me a prude--- (for the trolls- no I am not a fat ugly women) but I would most likely even wear a t-shirt over my bathing suit if my husbands friend(s) ( if I had a husband or boyfriend- another story)were in the tub- or a girlfriends husband or boyfriend.... just to insure there was no unwarranted attention paid to me and causing anyone else to be uncomfortable with me there.
    otherwise the story was funny!
    Have a great weekend
  40. Hockeydad London from Canada writes: Het, AC, we meet again. I found the whole thing funny. Maybe my age. The only woody I see regularly is my hockey stick.

    Done the jump off the dock nude at the friends cottage after too much to drink. Couple of wives joined us, but not mine. All close friends and married to friends, so no 'sexualization' of those women, who otherwise are attractive. Probably good defense mechanisim.

    Have some sympathy for all. Surprised my daughter, niece and daughters friend in hottub. All in their 20's, had been drinking and were nude. Rather than duck and let me go back in the house they paniced and ran for the change room. My daughters friend apparently has a nice backside, which is fortunately about all I saw in the dark. As well, thanks that it was winter and cold outside...
  41. Rosencrantz Guildenstern from Canada writes: Citizen K from Canada writes: I'm talking about a man thinking, 'Hmm. Wife's beautiful sister. Hmm. Wife sitting right next to me. I see this ending badly...' and then taking the necessary steps to at least try to think about Grandma, geometry, whatever it takes to try to override the biological reaction. Because although it may be a natural biological reaction, it's also a natural psychological reaction to be royally pissed that your husband got an erection from looking at your sister.

    Whether's it's biologically natural or not, from a wife's perspective, you can't deny the ick factor.

    ============================

    Pardon me, but isn't it a bit late to start worrying about delicate proprieties when we are talking about 5 naked adults hopping in and out of a hottub together?

    If the wives object to men getting woodies looking at someone other than themselves, maybe they should discourage the opportunity rather than the (predictable) outcome.
  42. Sittin' Pretty from Canada writes: Ah, the gender war is alive and well . . . sad.

    I'm don't believe that arousal is completely within our control. Especially if we're faced with a turn on moment unexpectedly - which the writer was, and could explain why he reacted to the sister, but not the wife.

    I do have a question for the male posters. Women's reactions, as has been mentioned, aren't always obvious. (It doesn't make us deceitful, it's just the way we are!)

    But, let's say the positions were reversed and you could see that your wife was really aroused by another man? How would you react to that?
  43. Katherine R from Canada writes: Yuck - this article is tainted for me by imagining Michael Smith naked in a hot tub....

    As for the incident in the article, I figure you play you pay. If you go naked hot tubbing, at some point somethin' somethin's gonna happen.... As far as things go, this is pretty tame.
  44. M B from Columbus, OH, United States writes: I See Venus, I See Mars... Interestingly the columnist's response (though very funny!) and the reader comments goes off into a debate on men's ability to 'control' or hide their arousal and its naturalness in this situation. It seems to me the problem in the hot tub isn't so much the arousal or whether it could have been avoided but the delicate social balance that has been upset. The original four had a good thing going. It was fun, sexy and innocent at the same time. There was a level of familiarity and comfort with one another. Introduction of the fifth was more the problem than the arousal itelf. An uneven number of people rather than two couples. A single with nothing to lose joins and suddenly its no longer a tidy group of happily marrieds who all understand the social rules of the tub. Now after always enjoying this non-threatening harmony at their get-togethers the writer's wife has to deal with a smug young woman who may feel she's the hottest thing that walks, and a dear friend feeling less than attractive in a situation where she had formerly been comfortable. If the letter writer enjoyed the original arrangement and wants it to continue he had better become focused on addressing these issues not worrying about whether the physical reaction was normal, warranted and or overreacted to. The simplest way to do this is to assure everyone in the group that 'no future newcomers will be allowed otherwise clothing will be required' and that 'everyone within the group is both sufficiently attractive and sufficiently 'taken' to make the arrangement both enjoyable and non-threatening'.
  45. A C from France writes: Katherine R from Canada writes: michael smith from Toronto, Canada writes:
    do Women ever shut up?
    even have opinions on matters they have no clue about !
    .................................................................
    Do fat slobs who haven't had sex in 15 years ever stop trolling? ...Cheezie stained hands ...Does Michael Smith ...personality, ...massive hairy gut that turns women off? ...'Afternoon Delight' does not refer to his hand and a magazine?'

    HAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH that's a funny bit of prose!!!

    Hmm.... two sex therapists out of three saying men can control their erections, one dissenter. the dissenter is a man, the first two women...

    You're right Katherine R, Michael Smith is way off base here! Shame on him!!

    Your rant was funny anyway...
  46. A C from France writes: 'Sittin' Pretty ....But, let's say the positions were reversed and you could see that your wife was really aroused by another man? How would you react to that?'

    '....But I won't make another remark about women expecting men to understand their feelings and reactions, without making any efforts to doing the same for men. I just might get flamed for stating the obvious by Resistance is futile'
  47. Katherine R from Canada writes: web warlock from Canada writes:
    If the wives don't understand that this is a normal healthy reaction, they're naive. The wives jealousy is however normal. Perhaps they should all be wearing more clothes in the hot tub if they're not mature enough to deal with the normal responses of a healthy, adult male.
    ..............................
    Agreed.
  48. web warlock from Canada writes: As a healthy average middle aged man, I can say that on very rare occasions my willy stands to attention in public for no reason at all, and there isn't a thing I can do about it except sit down or carry my jacket strategically.

    Healthy men wake up with the soldier at attention.

    If the wives don't understand that this is a normal healthy reaction, they're naive. The wives jealousy is however normal. Perhaps they should all be wearing more clothes in the hot tub if they're not mature enough to deal with the normal responses of a healthy, adult male.
  49. A C from France writes: 'Katherine R from Canada writes: A C from France writes: Katherine R from Canada writes: michael smith from Toronto, Canada writes:
    do Women ever shut up?
    even have opinions on matters they have no clue about !
    .........................................................
    ...This sort of comment can clearly have been made only by a man who has never actually spoken with a real live woman.'

    Or by a man who might even be married to one?

    But seriously, without getting into a flaming war, MS' remark may be inflammatory but does a good job of encapsulating the ridicule Eddie allows these therapists heap on themselves.

    Sorry you get upset about offhand/offside remarks like that. At least you argue your point intelligently and entertainingly as opposed to some illiterate posters here. It's a good thing you didn't see my dyke remark!!!
  50. Sittin' Pretty from Canada writes: A C from France writes: 'Sittin' Pretty ....But, let's say the positions were reversed and you could see that your wife was really aroused by another man? How would you react to that?'

    '....But I won't make another remark about women expecting men to understand their feelings and reactions, without making any efforts to doing the same for men. I just might get flamed for stating the obvious by Resistance is futile'

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    You complain that women don't make any effort to understand men, yet you won't answer my sincere question?

    You're pretty invested in keeping the discord going, aren't you?
  51. H Whelan from Canada writes: To quote Elaine from Seinfeld:

    'I don't know how you guys walk around with those things'
  52. Rosencrantz Guildenstern from Canada writes: M B from Columbus, OH, United States writes: ... the writer's wife has to deal with a smug young woman who may feel she's the hottest thing that walks ...

    =====================

    What's with these unsupported aspersions against the single woman?
  53. K S from Recipro City, Canada writes: Finally. After the adolescent giggling and childish rants from so many posters, M B from Columbus, OH gets it right. The apology should come from whomever invited the fifth person, a single, into a formerly comfortable double date. What were they thinking?? While I thoroughly get the 'ick factor' as another poster mentioned from the other guy's wife, it's not something easily controlled. Not impossible, mind you, just not *easily* controlled. You could forgive many guys for thinking it's beyond their capacity (I've seen proof, though, so tough cookies). But certainly not something to get mad about in this case. I think the couples should get together soon in the tub again, in-clothes for a while, until the uneasiness wears off and they can feel comfortable again doing the skinny-dip thing. But while getting back into their comfort level they should NOT have anyone else coming along, and once they are OK again without the swimwear they need to agree on a sacred rule: other guests can only be invited to their get-togethers with the understanding that everyone is clothed. And preferably other couples, not attractive singles (apologies to the sister). With that and some open communication, everyone will eventually be able to laugh off the incident. It sounds like you and your wife have great friends in this couple, so I think you're all up (so to speak) for the challenge!
  54. Rosencrantz Guildenstern from Canada writes: Katherine R from Canada writes: ... the point that I make is not whether men can or cannot control their '21st digit' but that we as posters on a discussion board can agree respectifully to disagree without saying silly and inflammatory remarks like 'do women ever shut up'.

    ===============

    While I don't condone the tone of the 'shut up' comment, I must ask -- where is the room to 'respectfully' disagree with someone like the female 'therapists' who blather so assertively about something outside their knowledge and experience? What 'respect' should such arrogant idiocy be accorded?
  55. Man of La Mancha from Canada writes: Sittin' Pretty from Canada writes: Ah, the gender war is alive and well . . . sad.

    I'm don't believe that arousal is completely within our control. Especially if we're faced with a turn on moment unexpectedly - which the writer was, and could explain why he reacted to the sister, but not the wife.

    I do have a question for the male posters. Women's reactions, as has been mentioned, aren't always obvious. (It doesn't make us deceitful, it's just the way we are!)

    But, let's say the positions were reversed and you could see that your wife was really aroused by another man? How would you react to that?

    My answer - it's time to accept the fact that we're human. People over analyze and look for hidden meanings where often there isn't one. A good looking man/woman will elicit a response - it's human nature and nothing to be ashamed of or hide.
  56. Sittin' Pretty from Canada writes: Man of La Mancha from Canada - I agree completely, but the debate began long before my post, so I think my question is reasonable and strictly posed in the interest of greater understanding.

    And I find it quite interesting that no man has responded . . .
  57. James Shutiak from Calgary, Canada writes: What a funny article! A great imaginary situation that brings on much discussion.

    If I was in that situation, my 21st digit would have reacted likewise I am SURE and I am 77. What else would you expect it to do? THAT is very natural. Men are visual and a beautiful young naked woman close by is THE VISION.
  58. Kate Sunny from Toronto, Canada writes: Dear M B from Columbus, OH, United States.

    Thank you for a bit of sanity here. Why do people get so rude?
    I agree that inviting the younger sister, whom we must presume is HOT since she had 'the look', was an incredibly stupid mistake. Or perhaps she wasn't truly hot but was 'looking' at the men in a suggestive way. All healthy social graces were ignored. I question the intelligence of the participants.
    Frankly, I would have 'physically' sexually responded to seeing my girlfriend's husband, (and my own husband), with an erection. The hot tub would have concealed my condition. I will resist the urge to mention the comparison between a hot tub and the area of response.
    If my husband knew he would be hurt. We respect each other's feelings, so would not get into such a predicament in the first place.
  59. Rosencrantz Guildenstern from Canada writes: Sittin' Pretty from Canada writes: Man of La Mancha from Canada - I agree completely, but the debate began long before my post, so I think my question is reasonable and strictly posed in the interest of greater understanding.

    And I find it quite interesting that no man has responded . . .

    ==================

    I'll step up. It would bother me, but if it occurred in a situation where we had consensually become part of a group that swans around naked with eachother, I hope I'd have the maturity to deal with it sensibly.
  60. web warlock from Canada writes: I wouldn't be hurt, I would be glad that all my wife's parts were in good working order.

    I WOULD be hurt if she in some way encouraged advances, or acted flirtatious, or otherwise acted on her natural involuntary physical response. The difference is we can control one behaviour but not the other; it seems pretty obvious to me. But some women seem to have difficulty understanding the difference. I suspect women are wired to see their man respond to another woman as a threat, and so I think the reaction of jealousy is normal; but if you have any self knowledge, knowing you would react badly, you should have known better than to allow yourselves to get in that situation in the first place.
  61. Sittin' Pretty from Canada writes: Rozencrantz Guildensturn - Thanks!
  62. gene eng from Markham, Canada writes: But, let's say the positions were reversed and you could see that your wife was really aroused by another man? How would you react to that?

    If that had happened, I'd know I would get lucky later on!

    That is how my wife is wired.
  63. New World from Toronto, Canada writes: By reading people's comments I'm glad that most people, male and female agree that men cannot control their soldier. For the women who still don't understand, let me stress that we really can't! Sometimes, when confronted with a certain situation such as a hot nekkid sister, no amount of grandmotherly flashbacks can tame the beast. web warlock from Canada is right, we get erections sometimes for completely non-sexual reasons at random moments. Humans are just like any other animals on the planet. It's just a natural reaction. We can't program ourselves to harden only to our significant other as we wish... though i imagine some women would love that haha.

    So then the issue according to Citizen K from Canada 'it's also a natural psychological reaction to be royally pissed that your husband got an erection from looking at your sister.'

    The wife was the one who invited the sister to a naked hot tub party, and then she got mad because the friend never got a boner from looking at her? And then the author mentioned that the women were angry because it created an embarrassing situation for everyone. I think the men would have been the ones to be embarrassed, they were the ones who committed the unintentional public faux pas. Shouldn't the wives have found it funny and just laugh? If they were comfortable enough with their sexualities to be having nude hot tub escapades in the first place, then why not the same level of comfort to natural sexual reactions and just laugh at the predicament?

    I think there's more to it than that. From the wive's reactions as explained by the author, i think there was some kind of sexual competition going on.
  64. New World from Toronto, Canada writes: Oh yea and to answer that question of 'what if the roles were reversed'. As some commentors responded before, it's a person's intentional actions to that reaction that should be important. The men uncontrollably reacted to the sister, but then did not act on whatever crossed their mind at that moment snicker snicker. If my girlfriend reacted to a hot young guy in a hot tub (i would never be having a naked hot tub party with my girlfriend and other couples, i'm just not that kinda guy).. In the end of the day, as long as she is still with me and will continue to be with me because it is her choice, and she did not do anything with that guy that caused her to react uncontrollably, then i have to say 'meh' whatever. Everything is A-OK.
  65. Sean K from Guelph, Canada writes:

    Perhaps having an erection is a completely conscious decision for those ber-rare, perfectly saintly men featured in Cosmo and romantic comedies ... but for the rest of us chauvinist pigs who make up the great majority of our gender, it's most definitely not a decision.

    Trust me, most men have an embarrassing memory (or ten) of a time when - much to their horror and chagrin, and despite their best efforts to fight back - they couldn't keep the snake in its cage.
  66. Rosencrantz Guildenstern from Canada writes: And one more point of information for the so-called sex therapists who think reflexes are under conscious control -- if it was like a switch, don't you think your business would be -- oh, say -- far less than half of what it is?

    Frauds.
  67. Anony Mouse from Canada writes: Neither men nor women should apologize for being attracted to someone. Apologies only are warranted if one was idiotic enough to be crude, disrespectful and immature about said attraction.

    As I mentioned earlier, my partner (male) and myself (female) do share with one another when we have an attraction for someone else. He for example has a physical attraction to a certain woman whom is a regular in our yoga classes. For him it is purely an objective fantasy - he has never talked to her but her body type and so on is just of the kind he has always found attractive. Rather than being threatened by it (and there would be many opportunities), I feel a tremendous amount of trust between us, and respect, for him sharing that with me. And for him, the attraction to this other woman is diminished as it lost it's secrecy of sorts, and we could discuss openly the whys of his attraction.

    He on the other hand has shared with me he feels closer and more attracted to me knowing he CAN be open and honest with me about his attractions without me freaking out and feels far more comfortable in respect of our relatonship when we have that open/honesty and is not expected to be castrated for being with me, and that relates to all other aspects of our relationship as well, not just attraction to others.

    If it had been my partner and I in this situation (though, before we ever got in the hot tub naked with friends we would of talked it over as well) I imagine we would of both had a little laugh about it at the time and later discussed the event in an effort to understand one another more.
  68. Sharon Jessup Joyce from Kingston, Canada writes: MB in Columbus, OH has nailed the real issue. It was a potential risk both couples took by hot-tubbing naked - and when they added the hot sister-in-law the men had a normal, biological response.

    (For the record, I'm a woman who thinks this physiological reaction is not fully under a man's control, though I know all men develop techniques for trying to subdue unwanted erections. I'm sure some situations make those techniques more or less effective!)

    Great column, Dave!
  69. Wolf 2810 from Canada writes: Rub a dub dub
    Three women in a tub
  70. Georgia Shand from Canada writes: Well, geez, I thought the boatload of bacteria was the only thing to be concerned about in a hot tub. Apparently not. Now, there's (you know - don't want to get censored) and rising, horrendous social problems, as well. Lol.

    Maybe they should stick to pools and the ocean, 'There was shrinkage!!!', in order to keep their marriages and friendships from imploding.

    Thanks Dave.
  71. adrian fehr from Vancouver, Canada writes: Sharon's got it right - it wasn't controllable or intentional. If these things were, viagra and cialis wouldn't exist.
    Blaming a guy for having an erection is like blaming a woman for having a period.
    They both happen, but not always convenient, and generally poorly understood by the other gender.

    Having a penis is like being the owner (willing or not) of an off leash dog. When it sees a cat, no telling how it'll react, and NO WAY to control it!
    (No problem for me tho - my particular dog doesn't ever chase cats, only other dogs. Sniff sniff....lol!)
  72. Robert Brion from Calgary, Canada writes: This all could have been avoided if the jets were on high, and the bubbles hid the bonerrific evidence.
  73. F Luzten from Canada writes: As the interblag saying goes - this article is useless without pics!
  74. A C from Paris, France writes: 'Sittin' Pretty from Canada writes: ...
    And I find it quite interesting that no man has responded . . . '

    You were answered, you just didn't like it...
  75. Jo L from Moncton, Canada writes: Men get erections. This is especially true when there is visual sitimuli they find attractive. The sooner everyone realises this is natural the better. Now if the husbands decided to act on this arousal with the cause, That's a different story! But simply standing at attention in a hot tub of naked women (one of whom he loved enough to marry), I would assume to be a natural heterosexual male phenomenon. Anyone putting themselves in this position should be aware of this posibility or are completely naive.
  76. BC Philosopher from Canada writes: Men can only control that in a sense similar to how any person would control a sneeze. If you feel it initially coming on you can make effort to force down the desire and sensation which generally requires constant mental effort. If you are fortunate the feeling passes and there is no embarassment, but sometimes its just stale mating a losing battle. Sometimes it comes on so strong there is no chance to stop it beforehand. It can even be an automatic response to completely irrelevant things, every guy has as a child had it just happen riding a bus or on a bumping road. As an adult you gain better control over it but you never gain complete control, never. There are still times in any mans life where doing absolutely nothing even remotely sexual the gopher may still try to stick his head out and see what is going on. It just plain happens. A woman cannot say 'oh you can control it don't be stupid' anymore than a guy can comment about the hormonal imbalance caused by women's monthly visitor. Its something they can temper but not control, to say anything otherwise is nonsense. Really a beautiful naked woman walks by and two men get aroused.... I truly cannot understand how anyone could take that as anything abnormal. To be honest had nothing occured that would raise more questions, either will power and bodily control akin to a mountain high hermit, or significant disfunction.
  77. Wandering Willy from Canada writes: The erection is perfectly normal and I am not sure why there is much ado about this in the first place. The one part that I keyed on was the Pam, the other guys wife was jealous that Jill's husband had never gotten an erection at seeing her naked. This definately implies that it is not just about being voyeurs in a hot tub naked, there are definately sexual feelings going on. I think it is time they had an open honest talk about what they are doing and where they are going with this. The only thing that threw off the balance was the introduction of the 'single' woman creating an inbalance to their foursome. Pam wants Jill's husband to get hard from looking at her......I can only assume Pam's husband has gotten erect from looking at Jill. Willy's advice! Borderline swingers that need to be open about it and perhaps start with having sex with their partners in front of the others and see where that arousal leads to. That can always lead to swapping and in the future, introducing additional men or women to the equation. I would like to have an honest answer from Jill (or Pam) as to if she would have been aroused if her husband had brought his hot brother into the hot tub. Answer is probably yes! I wish them luck and success in their pleasurable 'Lifestyle'
  78. little bear from Canada writes: The real issue here is the temp of the hot tub. If it were 20 degrees cooler there would not have been a problem.

    Cold equates to shrinkage which is why you put ice on a swollen and inflamed portion of your body.

    This being the case the it follows that cold water would have resulted in a shinkage of the offending appendage thereby avoiding any potential problem.

    Now as these couples were 80-85 years old this should have been a time of celebration.
  79. Sol Bass from Canada writes: 'Citizen K from Canada writes: What's most disturbing to me is that his buddy got turned on by looking at his sister-in-law. If I was that guy's wife, that would be a serious red flag'

    Honestly I can't figure this comment out. Must be written by a woman. Because not only are they not related by blood, even if they were, men generally can't control this. The mind and brain doesn't enter into it. Doesn't matter if it's a teacher, student, sister in law, etc. ONly the view matters.
  80. michael b from Canada writes: Sigh...
  81. Dude Love from Canada writes: The last few of your articles are way to contrived to be real for the type of people and situations they are asking for advice. How about answering real dilemmas rather than something a script writer has written.
  82. rose s from vernon, Canada writes: I've allways thought that if a man cannot control his penis, he shouldn't be allowed out in public
  83. Trish Taylor from Canada writes: Nowhere do I see that Sarah was actually invited to join the party, simply that she came out to join them - uninvited naked woman joining two married couples, one of which is her brother-in-law. Very uncool. And let me get this straight - Pam actually TOLD the guy's wife that she was upset that her friend's husband doesn't get aroused by HER? She actually SAID that to her FRIEND? Thinking it is one thing but actually SAYING it? There are some serious competition issues between these two sisters and definite character defect. As for the guys, well, natural reaction. I'm sure the naked sister interloper loved it and that's exactly why she did it. I'd have sent her packing if I were her sister with a 'this is a private party' kind of comment. Even better if it came from the brother-in-law.
  84. little bear from Canada writes: Rose S In a perfect world that would be true but then neither you nor I would be in it so it would not matter.

    Women go to great lengths to attract the attention of men or boys when they pour themselves into too tight jeans and wear shirts open to the navel but when the guy gets stiff he is considered a beast and somehow not in control.

    Baby you cannot have it both ways, you worked hard to get it and spent big bucks, enjoy it.

    The water was obviously too hot and should have been just above freezing then nothing would have happened. This little fictional group was playing with fire and got burned. That's life.
  85. inside view from Canada writes: Dear Dave. I fear I have offended an gal-pal actor acquaintance when I meant to flatter. I opined that she resembled an actor in a certain film and was about to tell her it was the receptionist to the main character when events interrupted our conversation. She then left thinking I had meant the star, which looks nothing like her, and this seemed to have caused her to think I was a bit of a weird fan who had projected into that situation. Do I tell her that I meant the nameless receptionist character? Would that offend her even more? It seems to me that I have inadvertently committed a faux pas, either way.
  86. Ernesto Zabaglioni from Toronto, Canada writes:
    Two things:

    i) I'm surprised there was only one previous mention of this, so I'll reiterate it - if this thing was totally under our control, there would be no billion-dollar industry in Viagra and similar meds. It seems commonly accepted that sometimes we just can't turn the thing on when we (desperately!) want to, and the same thing happens in reverse. Sometimes we can't turn it off when we'd like to. I've had this happen for no apparent reason just waiting for the elevator at work and trying to look natural, holding my laptop strategically.

    ii) I also agree that these couples need to think about what they are really doing. I've been in lots of hot tubs (generally to relax after some form of exercise) and nearly always clothed. This is in part because we only have access to a hot tub on family vacations, and kids and all that. So I get plenty of benefit and enjoyment having a beer and easing the aches and pains while wearing my trunks. Why are these 4 tubbing naked? What's the point of displaying their various dangly- and droopy-bits to each other? I think they are perhaps not being sufficiently honest with each other, and hope that they figure it out soon and start really enjoying their evenings!
  87. Dulce et Decorum Est Pro HARPER Mori? from writes: rose s from vernon, Canada writes: I've allways thought that if a man cannot control his penis, he shouldn't be allowed out in public
    Posted 28/03/09 at 7:12 PM EDT

    ==============================

    Except for a quibble about which gender gets what role, you sound like you'd find a lot in common with the Taliban.
  88. Rick C from Calgary, Canada writes: Good grief. As if you can control when you get aroused.

    The sister was hot. Deal with it.

    Are these women trying to suggest no other men but their husbands has gotten their panties wet?
  89. Rick C from Calgary, Canada writes: rose s from vernon, Canada writes:

    "I've allways thought that if a man cannot control his penis, he shouldn't be allowed out in public"

    You obviously don't have a penis.

    Men can control what they do with their penis; but they don't control when they get an erection.
  90. Crystal Glass from Over here!, Canada writes: Michael Smith says: do Women ever shut up?
    even have opinions on matters they have no clue about !
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Yeah, women are the only gender that have opinions on things that only affect the opposite sex. That's why you NEVER see comments from men on pregnancy, childbirth, female grooming, breastfeeding, etc. Dude, you're a dolt.

    As for the letter, if it's real, I have to say that I'd have been torqued if my DH had become aroused, too. It's not like it's make-believe, like porn, but a real live person IN the same hot tub. I understand that hard-ons can't be controlled, but I'd still be miffed all the same. It's just the way it goes, boys. You'll find a few women who are turned on by their mates getting turned on by other girls, but I'm pretty sure that Karla Homolka is married again. ;o) The majority of us don't like it.

    And Valkyrie, it's Pirelli girls, not Firelli. I also get that you're of the "fake lesbian" "I kissed a girl and liked it" generation (ie. young). Whatever you've gotta do to keep your man interested in you, I guess. I wouldn't expect my husband to make out with another man just to keep my wheels greased.
  91. yada yada yada from Canada writes: //Crystal Glass from Over here!, Canada writes: but I'd still be miffed all the same//

    You shouldn't be. It's normal-and beyond their control-for a man to feel aroused when he sees another woman naked right in front of him. If you're angry at your spouse for other reasons, that is beyond the scope of this discussion.
    The wives had many other ways to choose how to react-choose-but the men *can not* choose to will their erections away. My advice is lighten up, laugh it off, or appreciate the moment.
  92. Crystal Glass from Over here!, Canada writes: Yada yada yada-I don't think you read my note quite fully. I realize that men cannot will their erections away and that it's natural for them to pop a boner at the drop of a shirt. However, I also think it's equally as natural for a woman to react in the way this fellow's wife did.

    If the shoe were on the other foot, and it was the woman who showed obvious signs of arousal (there are some in women, you know, you just have to look harder) at the sight of a chiseled, "gifted" fellow, should the husband just laugh it off and lighten up? Or maybe he should appreciate the moment too?

Comments are closed

Thanks for your interest in commenting on this article, however we are no longer accepting submissions. If you would like, you may send a letter to the editor.

Report an abusive comment to our editorial staff

close

Alert us about this comment

Please let us know if this reader’s comment breaks the editor's rules and is obscene, abusive, threatening, unlawful, harassing, defamatory, profane or racially offensive by selecting the appropriate option to describe the problem.

Do not use this to complain about comments that don’t break the rules, for example those comments that you disagree with or contain spelling errors or multiple postings.

Back to top