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Damage control

Don't punish a real friend for the slight of another

From Friday's Globe and Mail

Don't take the extreme measure of turning one's back completely ...Read the full article

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  1. SusieQ 321 from NoWhereVille, Canada writes: Well first and foremost it is not one friends job to take another to task over her treatment of you unless she feels it is. Get over it talk it out with your friend... did you call her? It is a two way street this strange thing called friendship. When a friend says to me I never hear from you I tell them it is a two way street I never hear from them either... so either of us can pick up the phone.

    You have to decide is ending a 30 year friendship going to be what you want or need in either case?

    I have no idea what Dave is talking about I can say in my late 30's my friends are of the same age or older.. and while we do not always agree on life we don't cut each other out of lives or throw hissy fits and take sides...we do talk or email it out if the emotions run to high to talk at times... and we get over it!

    I can say if your friends are acting like 10 year olds Dave time for a new set of more mature friends...
  2. anonymouse Z from Canada writes: This can't be a serious letter. If it is, the woman is completely immature, wanting a friend to take sides. And ungrateful too to cut off a friend who helped her through a rough patch. Break off the friendship, Mary is too good for you.
  3. chanel turner from Canada writes: Gosh woman get over yourself! I don't like you already. The world did not stop rotating on it's axis because you got sick.
    Face it- you enjoyed the attention your injury got you- the doting, the flowers, it was kinda nice to be spoiled my Mary- you felt special.
    Your other friend did not 'do those things'....... so you are pouting.
    Did you ever think that maybe Lisbeth is not the type of person that deals well with sick, feeble old women. Not a skill that everyone has.
    That does not make her a bad person- just not all of us are great nurses, martyrs.......
    I would dump you if I was Mary......
    You should plan a lunch or something to thank Mary for her help and invite Lisbeth along to rekindle your relationship.
    Move on with life- and friends are rare -value the ones that you do have.
  4. chanel turner from Canada writes: Anony- yes this can be a serious letter. Trust me middle-aged women can act worse then they did in grade 7!
    ughhhhh! Male friends are much better-- and without the drama. -
  5. Tom Beckett from Canada writes: well said David Eddie
  6. J. Pohl Gotschalk from Conservative crony PPP programs are looting Canada, Macau writes: What a dumbass question this was.

    "Should I end my friendship with the person who stuck by me through my illness?"

  7. Johnny Red from Canada writes: Maybe Elsbeth just "isn't that into you".

    Move on with your life and suck it up!
  8. N Mosher from Canada writes: I've been Mary. Darlin, your negativity will send her running for the hills. Keep your friendship with her intact and resume a relationship with Elspeth for Mary's sake, afterall you liked Elspeth once, you can probably tolerate her now.

    I don't believe that you didn't see Elspeth's behavior coming; you knew that's "how she is" and you were friends with her anyway, until it bit you in the... Did you ever tell Elspeth you needed her during this period? Or did you expect Mary to fight your battles then too?

    Mary could justifiably tell you to take your ball and go home, and she might not come to your birthday party either... But she probably wont because unlike you, she's a good friend.
  9. Akbar M from Saskatchewan, Canada writes: Very strange question. I don't even understand the mentality really. By all means give up your good 30 year relationship with Mary. Actually I find it hard to believe that you have had a friend that long. That's the most unlikely part of this scenario.
  10. Ursula Seawitch from Canada writes: This is an amazing coincidence for me because I am currently laid up from a recent surgery. I have found it astonishing that people I thought were my good friends have been noticably absent and people who I was casually aquainted with have been fantastic.
    I have concluded that it has little to do with me and more about their personalities. Some people love to feel helpful and needed. Some people are uncomfortable with illness.
    I plan to resume my friendship with my old friends and add the casual aquaintaces too. My life will be richer in the end.
    Good advice as usual DE!!
  11. Book Lover from Canada writes: Well done, Ursula. I am one who never knows quite what to say when someone is ill. I do my best - I try not to abandon, but I know I'm not good or consistent in this matter.
    But there are other sides of this as well. When I'm ill I'd rather not have any calls or visits at all - though I've never been bedridden for long, so I know that's different. The other side is, what has Elspeth got going on in her life that you're not telling us? Is she working full time with a family who needs her at home after work? Does she work shifts? Just because you were bored silly in bed doesn't mean she was deliberately ignoring you. And taking it out on Mary is really just beyond the pale. Get real.
  12. A G from Vancouver, Canada writes: Perhaps during your convalesce you were a whiney bag and Elspeth couldn't deal with that?
  13. Type Lady from Toronto, Canada writes: Despite all the criticisms over this "dumbass" question, it's all about personal choice. Life is too short to be dealing with nonsense. If you feel that ending a 30-year relationship (that probably had its ups and downs numerous times before) will result positively in your life, then do it.
  14. Joren Carlson from Canada writes: I've had friends like Mary and unfortunately, like Elspeth. When a friend of mine had terminal cancer, his "best" friend Dave never showed his face once during illness. "It makes me feel uncomfortable". As if cancers a walk in the park for the patient! I don't think it's fair to cut Mary off simply because she's still friends with Elspeth.

    If she does do this, I hope she has the intestinal fortitude to tell Mary why.
    Some friends of mine did this to me. A married couple. They were my friends initially and met a friend of mine who I lived with for a short time. She met someone else and invited him to live with us. Things didn't got well, ended ugly and I moved out. My "friends" took her side and without even asking me what happened, stopped calling or even returning phone calls. One of them said some disturbing things to me when my father passed away but I was so out of it I never said anything back to her. It's been 10 years and they never told me what I did that caused them to act this way. I certainly would never judge anyone based on how they react to a parents death - if thats what got they're noses out of joint.

    On the one hand, it would have been nice knowing, but on the other hand, I'm thinking maybe they weren't the close friends I thought they were.

    You can't control who is friends with who. If you want to have control, then it's clear that you can't be friends with Mary.
  15. margaret frances from Toronto, Canada writes: Control freak.
  16. Gulliver's Travels from Canada writes: Is this letter for real? You're dragging a friend who stood by you into the middle of a spat with someone else. Grow up.
  17. Hello Kitty from Edmonton, Canada writes: If this is real question, then you can call me Espeth.
  18. the group of one from France writes: Spot on Chanel Turner...Good Post!
  19. GlynnMhor of Skywall from Canada writes: Who knows, Elspeth may even have had bad experiences in hospitals, watching her parents die in them for example, that makes being in them bring back hurtful memories.

    The woman is making far too much over very little.
  20. B F from United Kingdom writes: Oh come on! You don't want Mary's support, you want the gossip as to why Elspeth (what kind of pseudonym is that anyway? What's wrong with Jane?) stopped being friends with you. Maybe it's because you're a needy, high maintenance friend! Who needs that!?!

    Will it make you feel better if Mary tells you exactly WHY Elspeth stopped calling you? Or will you feel worse because you know Mary and Elspeth were talking about you behind your back? Mary is taking the high road here telling you she doesn't want to talk about it, knowing it's not going to make you or her feel any better about the whole thing (and seeing as she's a decent person she probably didn't let Elspeth talk trash about you to her, likely why she can't answer your questions). Maybe you should try taking a page out of her book. After all, aren't you being just as bad as Elspeth if you cut Mary off without an explanation? Honestly woman!

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