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Is having a drink with a woman cheating?

From Friday's Globe and Mail

A woman in my church group thinks it's close enough. How can I help this couple? ...Read the full article

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  1. Hunkered down in the land of never ending promises from Canada writes: The whole article is contrived. No self-respecting priest or minister would resort to writing to a public forum to pose a question. First they wouldn't discuss such private topics as the subject of the question might recognize who she is from the description. There's no point in adding comments to this as this article is as real as professional wrestling is genuine.
  2. Robert` Gibbons from toronto, Canada writes: Wrong on all accounts. Who would tell an already jealous wife about an innocent encounter with the opposite sex? Why should you not be allowed to make new friends?
    Relationships whither on the vine when people aren't allowed to make friends of the opposite sex. The west coast is interestingly much more evolved in this regard. In Toronto if you're with someone of the opposite sex it is assumed you're a couple. In Vancouver many best friends are of opposite sex and there's nothing but friendship involved. Nobody assumes your a couple because it's so common to not be.
  3. Bill Hill from Canada writes: I find it really hard to believe that a priest would go to a newspaper columnist for advice on how to counsel a couple on relationship problems. Not only have most priests seen every human problem you could possibly imagine, they can seek counsel from each other when they need help and would most likely seek out a non-secular course of action. Perhaps Mr. Jones sent the question in himself from his cell phone, in between calls from his wife and clandestine meetings with other women.
  4. Valkyrie 23 from Guelph, Canada writes: I agree with A Person. This woman is NUTS. That guy should divorce her and move on. I bet there's a reason he didn't tell his wife about his friend... she would probably freak out about it. Now, I'm saying that lying is right, but this seems to be an extenuating circumstance. I mean, if my boyfriend went out with a girl for drinks, I don't have a problem, as long as he tells me some details. Is she seeing someone as well? Is she someone from work? Normally when he does go out for coffee with another woman it's one of our mutual friends. Same as when I go out for coffee with another guy - it's either one of our mutual friends or someone I've been friends with for a long time. The difference between my relationship and these people in the article? WE TRUST EACH OTHER. Seriously, this priest should tell this couple to either divorce or tell the woman to get serious counselling for trust issues. She sounds like a maniac.

    Hunkered down, yeah, most of the time I don't believe any of these 'questions' are real.
  5. Zarny YYC from Calgary, Canada writes: Tell this man to run far, far away from his crazy a$$ wife.

    Having a drink is cheating?

    Her worst fears have been confirmed?

    This lady has made up her mind and is trying to fit reality into her crazy delusions; pounding a square peg into a round hole.

    No wonder this man is interested other women. His wife is nuts and counselling is not going to change her.
  6. Mr. Justice from Anytown, Canada writes: A priest seeks an answer to his question from ... a mere mortal ? He doesn't bother asking his version of 'God' ? Hello ?

    HA HA !
  7. hugh grant from Canada writes:

    Oh yeah, run like hell, but be sure to leave the keys to the house, cars, cottage and all the bank accounts. Oh and he'll still be on the hook for the kids, and of course to support her.

    The best one I heard was the guy who, took his bike out of the garage on a Saturday afternoon, rode off, and just never came back........
  8. Janet Fisher from Canada writes: If the man was supposed to be at work - perhaps he was. She may have been a colleague, a client or a sales rep. & conducting business over a drink or meal is normal - as long as you stay in the company's D&A policy.

    I think he's well rid of her. I just hope there are no children involved since she's going to pass even more of her insecurities off to them.
  9. D Sjaarda from Southwestern Ontario, Canada writes: I must admit that I do find the story a tad far fetched. Any priest worth his collar is going to denounce divorce and tell them to suck it up and tend to their marriage. One does have to wonder however if this guy has simply gotten tired of the suspicion and has finally said, 'You know what, you think I'm cheating on you anyway, may as well be, there wouldn't be any more or less grief than now.' This woman needs to take a long look at herself and figure out where these fears started in her marriage. If they've been there since day one, I urge the couple to see a therapist.
  10. S_D_G N/A from Victoria, Canada writes: He should nail this chick friend of his and teach that wife of his a lesson. Come on, who wears the pants in the family? And quit wasting your time going cult or church or what ever you want to call it. Go take some science classes or engineering and learn what really makes the planet go round.
  11. Jodey D from Ottawa, Canada writes: I cannot believe this column was published. This is a very serious issue impacting on real lives but you would hardly know it based on this article. I would hate to be in the position to respond to such a question but if I were: 1) I would be very humble and very resistant to giving strong advice. 2) I would not leap to conclusions. 3) I would base nothing on 'my gut'. The 'gut' is often an unreliable source save for judging how well a meal digests, and this is especially true when you don't know anyone in the situation. 4) I would not be writing in a 'cute' way when dealing with such a delicate matter. I too love the Eagles but I don't think this is the place to be quoting them. I can no longer take the Globe and Mail editorial serious when it engages in this sort of frivolous 'journalism'. I have to say it casts doubt on Ed Greenspon's claim that the Globe is the place to go for aeriodite debate and discussion. A suggestion: Let the Sun chain look after this part of the journalistic landscape in Canada. As is the case with sports coverage, their better at it. But I guess the problem is there is a market for this stuff. As Don Henley noted, people love it.... they love dirty laundry. The Globe and Mail can do much better.
  12. Justin Stamross from Canada writes: Ummm I'd be pretty pissed if my wife was having a drink with another guy, so maybe you half-wits should put it in context. Is it ok for you to do it, but not for her?
    Get real. The way the world works is you're married, you don't hang around with members of the opposite sex. Unless you're gay I guess, but that's another thing entirely.
  13. Marvin60 4q from Canada writes: Clearly, the woman has security issues.

    But just up and leaving her isn't going to do him any good. It might even put him in the poorhouse. He'll be on the hook for spousal and child support (assuming they have kids) and potentially massive legal fees.

    Best he can do at this point is to get her into counselling, if she will go. People with security issues are masters of self delusion, insisting it's 'always someone else's fault.' (They remind me a bit of federal Conservatives... but that's another post for another time.)

    Issues like this are reason #253 why a man should never, ever get married without an ironclad prenup.
  14. V Patterson from Fredericton, Canada writes: Robert Gibbons is right. In Vancouver friends of the opposite sex, and for that matter opposite sexual orientation, can go out for lunch or a drink without people thinking that they are a couple / having an affair. If this wife really does exist, she could probably use a little counselling in the self esteem department and both could use some couple counselling to see what the problems really are and if they want to try to work them out.
  15. Kristen Parlee from Wards Creek, Canada writes: Does anyone else find it amusing that the top two Google Ads accompanying this article are #1 Relationship Coach: 'Dr. Janet shares her secrets to easily starting a conversation' and #2 Listen-In On Cell Calls: 'Read text messages - cell phone spy undetectable! - works with all phones.' Something for everyone, I guess!
  16. LeVawn Gravenstach from HarperCons offered to buy Cadman's vote -- compare Crim Code s. 119, writes: She told me she's decided to ask for a divorce. Both have come separately to ask me for advice - he has confided in me he's 'interested' in other women - but I'm not sure what to say. Do you have any thoughts?

    ==================

    'Confided'?

    And so WHY is this being published here?

    I call shenanigans. I don't believe this. I think Eddie must have made it up. No priest would write in to a newspaper, risking the chance that a member of the couple would read it. It's completely implausible.

    Anyway, as for the advice, the couple should divorce -- they are obviously making eachother miserable.

    .
  17. It's Crikey from Canada writes: Kristen, I did find that amusing haha, especially the Listen In On Cell Calls! I also got the ad for 'Find Your Perfect Match!'
  18. mich gau from pg, Canada writes: I am guessing that maybe this man has given his wife many reasons to not trust him. Everyone is dumping on the woman, but if your husband is always giving you slight reasons to not trust him- you too would be this crazy woman. Plus she has reason to doubt him if he is emanating the desire for something else- a partner can sometimes smell that from a mile away and then turn into a vicious cycle- pushing the cheatee further away.

    And really 'Other Women' : women can be twisted- many of them seem to love taken men- 'he can't be psycho- she loves him', 'he must really like me..., and i must be really special if he is willing to leave his wife for me...', 'look how stable they are- he is the living version of my dreams...' Women fall for all sorts of taken men thinking that its special - when really they are probably the easiest to get with their doubts of their wives and the beautiful sheen of someone new and exciting who looks clearly like they don't have any baggage or issues.

    I think he could redeem himself if he decided to realized that some of his ways are crossing the boundaries of their relationship and learned how to communicate better to his wife and other women in a way that respected himself and his wife, while letting other women know that he has decided to keep the power of his marriage intact. Then when he has exhibited a lesson learned and developed a strong wide trustworthy base they can talk about her not needing to know his every movement.

    Or - he could take up swinging??

    Why is everyone so quick to judge the women?
  19. Jack Sprat from Bug Tussle AB, Canada writes: Get real. The way the world works is you're married, you don't hang around with members of the opposite sex.
    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    You have issues Justin. You should look up the word 'Trust'. I know you won't find your picture beside the word, but maybe you might find your spouses picture.
  20. A Happier Place from Canada writes: Everyone on this message board is being so hard on the wife. Jealousy is seriously unattractive and tracking her husband is creepy, but maybe her jealous behaviour began because he is 'adultery curious' and she can sense his interest in other women? Whatever is going on in this relationship, it's not good. I agree with Mr. Eddie's advice.
  21. MH V from Canada writes: generally a bad situation. The woman is likely suffering from paranoid personality disorder, a condition related to (or a mild form of) schizophrenia; it is believed to be at least partially genetic/inherited condition. Her behaviour is likely causing the husband to be 'affair-curious'--ie, she's driving him away. Then, he gets caught, and this confirms her suspicions, and aggravates her paranoia.

    This assessment does not excuse his behaviour--> if he wants 'out', he should make a clean break of it before going out/dating others. If he wants 'in' he should stop his behaviour & deal with the underlying problem.

    There may be no viable solution for this other than 'out' of the marriage...this type of paranoia is very difficult to treat, is chronic, and is a life-long affliction.

    I refer you to look at the wikipedia summary of 'paranoid personality disorder'
  22. mich gau from pg, Canada writes: i think it really shows how society hasn't changed that much when everyone still blames the woman at first glance.
  23. Farm Boy from The Boonies, Canada writes: This is hilarious. It is like something from the fifties. The worst thing for any marriage is for either of the partners to feel like they are wearing a straightjacket. You can't cut yourself off from every member of the opposite sex except one. A man cannot function in a modern workplace without contact with women and inevitably friendships are going to form. The trick is to enjoy the company of other women without losing sight of the value of your primary relationship. Admittedly this doesn't always happen but then that's life as human beings live it.
  24. kat i from Whitby, Canada writes: If he had nothing to hide, he would have come out and told his wife of his whereabouts. Common courtesy and respect goes a long way. If they are missing in any relationship, please do each other a favour and get a divorce. He was caught, she was right, David Eddie, good advice.

    **

    hugh grant from Canada writes: The best one I heard was the guy who, took his bike out of the garage on a Saturday afternoon, rode off, and just never came back........

    **


    No, Hugh, the best one was the guy in Australia who put his life on e-Bay.
  25. my 1.8 cents from Canada writes: Chippendale dancers been around 50 years?
  26. S K from Canada writes: Here's the thing. As a woman, if you sense a guy is cheating on you it will drive you insane. Now I learned long ago that when you think they are wandering...they are. But rather than check their e-mails, call them constantly ect. just get out. You don't trust them, they aren't interested, sure it's an ego blow but what does snooping for confirmation get you? However, once your married I can see how you would opt for the insane street instead. Much harder to get a divorce than just break-up when dating. I would have said he was doing nothing wrong if he hadn't been skipping out on work to have drinks with a woman he is interested in. I have many male friends, I go out with them a lot, sometimes I tell my husband before hand, sometimes afterwards but I never hide it. If he found out I had said I was at work and instead met up with a man he would be livid....and a bet every guy on this site would tell him to dump my worthless a$$ because if I wasn't already cheating on him I would. I seem to remember a women writing in about a guy with a female best friend and some guys were saying that male friends only hang around females to try and get them into bed. With comments like that you're creating paranoia for women that if their guys have a gal pal they're trying to sleep with her and they'll cheat on you......keep your stories straight.
  27. Beatrix Kiddo from Canada writes: She does seem a little insecure tracking and checking up on him like that, but I agree with kat i from Whitby.
    If he had nothing to hide, he would have mentioned that he went out for a drink with the woman, regardless of if she's a friend colleague .....whatever. It's common courtesy and respect.
    He obviously had something to hide!.

    There's nothing wrong with having a drink, lunch,dinner, coffee etc with another woman or man.
  28. Anony Mouse from Canada writes: It seems to be a lot of the focus from Eddie was on the husbands 'lack of honesty' on the matter - however I have to say that if someone (man or woman) is subject to having their movements tracked every moment by an admittedly jealous partner - how would honesty have been accepted in this situation anyway?

    Personally, I think there is a serious issue in any relationship with such rampany jealousy, where a partner cannot even admit they are sometimes attracted to other people (it is is naive to believe that if one loves you they will never even feel attracted to another in my opinion) without it becoming a Spanish Inquisition.

    I completely agree with Farm Boy's comments above that the worst thing for a marriage is to feel as if you are in a straightjacket. You might as well have yourself committed (to an institution) if you are going to live like that. I cannot imagine being in a relationship where I was so controlled (I am definitely faithful and have nothing to hide - and I don't - however to be judged or accused of things anyway...yikes!).

    The key is for partners to share openly and honesty, to communicate, to discuss feelings of jealousy, or worry when they crop up and to accept one another's needs for autonomy to have other friends, as well as to accept one another's anxieties over these at times without blame and guilt (of course, this is different than someone whom is rampantly jealous and uses it to control and manipulate).
  29. Olivia Beck from Canada writes: Or how about the guy has a history of telling white lies... a history of saying he's out somewhere, when he's somewhere else... a history of telling stories that don't add up.

    And so yes, this type of dishonesty (seemingly benign to some) can make a person crazy, and can make a wife go to great lengths to see if she's right in her unsettled feeling.
  30. gene eng from Markham, Canada writes: If this is a Catholic priest, then what does he know about marriage and women? Where can he go for advice - other older priests who had never married? Come on.

    As a man I have given up hope of finding other men to confide in. Men generally do not have empathy for other men. We can talk about anything and everything, except each other's problems and get support. That is why I keep women friends - who still accept me when I confide. I love my wife, and she knows that I enjoy my occasional lunches with my women friends. She never asks what we talk about.
  31. Ground Working from Canada writes: I liked this article. Married women with 'special man friends' need to know what they're special man friend is in it for. The part where the author writes 'Please, gentlemen', is bang-on. So this article is good for women.

    Imagine your wife saying: 'Ground Working and I are going out for drinks tonight to talk about things.' I'll give you a hint. Ground Working doesn't wear his leather pants because they make him listen better.
  32. ilove spain from Ottawa, Canada writes: I highly doubt that a priest would go to a news columnist for advice. But if in fact, it is true, then I wonder why that couple sought advice from him anyway? Why not consult 'real' marriage counselors, not celibate priests.
  33. Wandering Willy from Canada writes: If a drink with a member of the opposite sex is enough for her to ask for a divorce then they have no business being together and would be doing each other a favor calling it quits. Why people decide to get married but don't communicate the rules of engagement is beyond me. It would save people a ton of headaches, jealousy, and confusion as to what is acceptable and what is not in THEIR relationship. You can then know if that person shares your passions, values and head into the relationship knowing the common ground. And if they don't want to do, or are not comfortable with something you are not willing to give up, then you can go your seperate ways before committing to a life time of resentment, bitterness and hate.
  34. Kevinsky Korsakov from Canada writes: Kat says: 'If he had nothing to hide, he would have come out and told his wife of his whereabouts.'

    I respectfully disagree. I once had a girlfriend who was like this. Always checking in. Always demanding that I check in. Always demanding to know where I was, where I was going, where I had been, and with whom. I had done nothing to lose her trust - she just wasn't capable of trust. (And seeing her parents spend every night watching TV in separate rooms, I could understand why.)

    But the fact of the matter is, I quickly discovered that she would interpret my activities when I wasn't with her, to fit her paranoid delusions, and with much wailing and gnashing of teeth.

    Therefore: I had nothing to hide, but she trained me to be very, very careful about how much information I gave her about my whereabouts and the company I was keeping. And eventually she drove me away. When she told me I had to either stop hanging out with my (male) friends unsupervised, or start carrying a pager (it was 1993, cellphones were pricey), I cracked and finally found the courage to dump a very unstable woman.

    Luckily, I was 20, she was 19, and we hadn't committed to marry each other... well, I hadn't committed to marry her anyway, but that's another issue. I learned a bit about how jealous people operate, moved on, found a woman who is NOT jealous, who I could tell all about where I am and who I'm with without getting yelled at or punched (yes, punched), and I married her.

    You have to realize that what this woman is doing is psychological abuse. And when you are being abused, you adjust your behaviour to minimize further abuse. But abusive people need to control, so the abuse will only get worse, the strategies to avoid the abuse will escalate, the ability to break away from the abusive cycle gets harder and harder, not easier.

    And this was my final word to the crazy girl 'I'm not going to spend my life in an abusive relationship'
  35. Farm Boy from The Boonies, Canada writes: My wife's time is her own. She has her own car and comes and goes as she likes. Right now I don't know where she is or what she's doing but I don't give it a second thought because I TRUST her. To those women commenters here, who say that if the wife doesn't know where her husband is at all times that means he has something to hide, I would say you have a real problem of insecurity. Do you trust him or not? It doesn't look as if you do. On your side, does your husband always know where you are?
  36. Ground Working from Canada writes: Wandering Willy - oh the irony of your comment on this forum.
  37. Catherine Trepanier from Toronto, Canada writes: As Dr. Phil says 'Remember that people who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.'

    Lying by omission is cheating - this 'drink' with another woman would eventually lead to something else. Her jealousy is probably 'founded' - perhaps her husband's infedility or straying behaviour is the source of her frantic controlling phone calls.
  38. Ursula Seawitch from Canada writes: DE, this is a good story on a lot of levels. I would like to think a Priest might go outside of talking to God to get a second opinion before giving advise to a parishiner. What would a priest know about marriage, other than the I Do part of course.
    As to the question about the Chippendale dancers being around for 50 years, I saw them in 1977, so they have been around for 30 years. But to think they were around in the 1950's? I think we can look forward to that event in the future yet.

    My advise for the couple is definitly, call it quits or marriage counselling. If there is no trust there is no marriage. You can be married in poor, richer, sickness and health but not when there is no trust.
  39. Mi Mo from Canada writes: She's suspciciuos because her husband is interested in other women, and his drink with the co-worker was just a start. Perhaps the wife is jumping the gun, but if she ignores it, maybe in a few years she would be beating herself up for ignoring her instincts.
    The advertising I get is for Christian Dating. Sensitive ad placement!
  40. David Griffiths from New Westminster, Canada writes: Having a drink isn't cheating according to the strict definition, but unless there is a non-personal reason for having a drink, then it's a date, and a date is definitely not ok.

    And a date is threatening to a woman, as they are more threatened by emotional intimacy, just as men are more threatened by physical intimacy.

    For everyone who said it wasn't cheating, and the wife was crazy, imagine this: your spouse is meeting members of the opposite sex for drinks and not telling you about it. Maybe it's innocent and he's hiding it because his wife is unstable.

    Or maybe she knows her husband too well - he's always checking out other women and flirting, and maybe she's caught him in suspicious circumstances.

    There's not enough information here to say. But like I said, it sounds like he was on a date.
  41. anonymouse Z from Canada writes: Why am I not surprised to see most here jumping on the woman here and calling her nuts, crazy and other names and blaming only her.

    We don't know if this has happened before. It's entirely likely that she has had experience with this husband or father or uncle or some others who have been "interested" in other women. No, it doesn't excuse her extremely jealous behavior. But we do know that the man has confessed to being interested in other women. I don't know, being married and being interested in other women sounds like the beginning of infidelity to me.
  42. P O from Canada writes: !!

    I lost interest in this article after I read this:

    Thank you for putting your faith in me, father. It shall be my honour to attempt to help you.

    Washing balls is what got us into this mess.
  43. Farm Boy from The Boonies, Canada writes: Catherine Trepanier from Toronto, Canada writes: As Dr. Phil says 'Remember that people who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.'

    Dr Phil??? Be serious!
  44. Mr. Justice from Anytown, Canada writes: PO: ... If you go the website for the Universal Life Church, you can -- with a few clicks of the mouse -- become a minister. I think that you can become a bishop, too, but ... that costs a little more.

    What costs bigger dough are the certificates you can order from that website. But if you do all of that, maybe you can write to an "advice to the lovelorn" columnist and get that "Thank you for putting your faith in me, father. It shall be my honour to attempt to help you" response, too ?

    Just trying to help, dude . . . .
  45. Ha Ra from Edmonton, Canada writes: Just a drink? She sounds unreasonable....maybe OR Not! Assuming many things seems to be everyone's forte so take this spin on 'her'. She is in this mode since 6 months ago Husband fled and had affair and they are now reconciling and the priest is unaware. Then it would seem her behaviour is not so kooky,huh? If this is an actual case then she needs to hear that she is offending her husband by over-checking. But, why didn't he call her and invite her to join them or call to inform he was on way home after drink? He may be the problem though. He may be shooting off waves of "I'm available ' this really happens and others pick up these vibes and act on them.and his wife senses it or worse doesn't sense it. It happened to me where he was having coffee, dinner, running marathons, all this travelling on supposed business trips while affairing from Vancouver to Toronto... and hear I thought it was trying to stimulate business in this economy! Stimulating...but what!
  46. The More I Grow The Less I know from Toronto, Canada writes: HOORAY S K from Canada!!!
    you took the words right out of my mouth! Post break up with my ex (who was a full out womanizer) i realized i should have ended it from the first month we were dating when he went out for drinks with his ex and told me he was with a work buddy (i found the receipt, charged to her credit card, he was also a cheapskate). After that, there was always a small feeling in the pit of my stomach everytime he was out ''with friends'' or other scenarios. and he really did nothing to help re-establish the trust, therefore i turned into ''the crazy girlfriend'' because i wanted affirmation of where he was and who he was with. of course when the relationship ended i was the crazy one even though it stemmed back to that one incident where he lied, and continued to lie about a ton of things. ladies, if he isnt diong everything he can to make you feel like the centre of his universe, get out, he's just not that into you, unless your into self torture.
  47. Art Gopher from Surrey, Canada writes: There's not really enough information to make a sound decision. The priest should have been wise enough to recognise the risk of being caught in the middle and recommended that the couple sit down for some heart to heart discussion with him to determine whether there were more serious issues and not simply some 'threes company' hijinks or misunderstandings going on. Then, recommend a real professional marriage counsellor to intervene if they still felt committed to each other and want to work it out.

    To jump to the conclusion that a divorce is imminent is just plain sad.
  48. BC Philosopher from Canada writes: Human beings are inherently trained creatures, we do things because they are expected of us. The biggest problem with complete trust deficits such as what this woman shows is that it encourages the other partner to stray for two reasons. The psycology route is that repeatedly being treated as if you are not worthy of trust will eventually effect ones self image and eventually may lead to rationalizations based on that. If someone feels their spouse is constantly suspecting them of cheating it becomes part of their self image in that relationship, and actually makes the cheating more mentally acceptable. The second is simply that being with someone who is completely incapable of trusting you and dogs you at every step is incredibly unpleasant and can simply drive a person away. Am I saying its her fault if he cheats? no but half of the responsability is hers, if you take an otherwise loyal man and treat him as such that he isn't you don't deserve loyalty yourself. Its also entirely possible that she is secretly wanting to cheat on him and projecting her desires onto him, but thats another kettle of fish entirely. The man has admitted to having interest in other women, that does not necessarily mean cheating. It may very well mean he's just worn out by her constant lack of trust. In a court situation there is very little here that shows as substantial reason for distrust and more that the woman sounds to be a very unpleasant person to live with, it may be the man who recieves favorable reaction in divorce court. Now perhaps there is more to this story than we are being told, has he cheated in the past, was he once a cheater or a profound ladies man? we don't know that and can't really guess on it. As currently shows the guilty party here apears to be far more the woman than the man.
  49. Anony Mouse from Canada writes: Maybe he is being dishonest, maybe he isn't. It sounds like she did not hear anything really suspicious. Could of been a workmate, a business client, or just a plain old long time friend.

    In any case, if there is no trust, and a couple cannot be open and honest with one another, there is no relationship regardless of how much you try and force or fake one to be there. You can control the other all you want (or rather try) but you cannot make it into anything other than it is, and it is not going to bring you peace of mind, security, trust or self esteem. Whatever you are looking for. You can blame "past experiences", or "insecurity" or whatever else you want - it does not change or excuse behaviours. You can't blame a current partner for the actions of your ex, father, brother or whomever else. If you are you are not ready for a mature and healthy relationship.

    And, if you are with someone you feel you have to hide everything from, whether with bad intent or not, you should not be with them either. Either there is little respect for them, little comfort, or little trust....and all those are indications that there is little love too.

    Either the couple makes a commitment to marriage counselling and more importantly to honesty....or they go their separate ways.

    Reading these comments often has me turning to my partner to let them know how incredibly blessed I feel to have met them. The feeling is mutual.
  50. John H from Barrie, Canada writes: "he has confided in me he's "interested" in other women"

    He has intent. That is cheating. Maybe because of the way the wife has pushed him into this or not. Having a drink with the opposite sex while attached and your other half knows is ok unless it is THIS situation of intent.

    But I also think this drama piece was made up....
  51. Fake Name from Canada writes: If I was being checked up on three or four times a day, I'd be "adultery-curious" too, just because I'd resent being under the thumb.

    Anyway, there is such a thing as a business lunch. Sure, he should have to explain his actions, but it's hardly iron-clad confirmation of any worst fears.
  52. Fake Name from Canada writes: "The More I Grow The Less I know from Toronto, Canada writes: ladies, if he isnt diong everything he can to make you feel like the centre of his universe, get out, he's just not that into you, unless your into self torture."

    I'm curious, what would you think of a man who expected his wife / partner to "do everything she can to make him feel like the centre of the universe"?

    I'm thinking the answer would probably be a negative one, so why the double-standard?
  53. The Wet One from The frozen wastes of Canuckdom, Canada writes: More reasons not to get married (or for you ladies not to get married to me).

    Too little information here to be sure as to who's in hock and who's not. I suppose one may as well divorce over one drink with a member of the opposite sex. Good enough reason right? What else do you need.

    Again, for you younger types out there, never marry, or marry wisely. Alternatively, don't get too attached to your marital status and the good it brings you because it could be snatched away by "having a drink with the opposite sex." I'm sure flimsier basis for divorce are out there, but this one is apparently enough in some folks' minds (including possibly your spouse), to destroy your marriage and happiness. And, there will even be people cheering on your marital destruction. Espcially if you're just a regular guy, who, like every other regular guy, is attracted to women (note I said women plural, not woman singular, because what male is attracted only to one single woman and no other? What balderdash!)

    Enough on this nonsense...
  54. Auroran Bear from Montreal, Canada writes: She sounds like Glen Close....get out now buddy!

    Glad I never married.
  55. S K from Canada writes: I agree the piece sounds made up. For those who say someone's behavior forces the other to cheat.....that's a convinent way to make yourself feel better. Here are some mishaps I've heard that 'forced the other to cheat';

    "I didn't feel loved"..."Why?"..."Because you didn't have a warm meal on everytime I came home" (both full time workers).

    "You wanted to have $e* more than me and I felt unmanly"......after she forgave him she was as crazy as the lady in the story always checking up on him and finding that he cheated again.

    "I feel like I love you more than you love me and was afraid that you weren't as committed as me so I needed some extra affection"

    You control what you do. If you're unhappy than leave, if you cheat that was your choice don't blame others. So the only question is did he cheat?

    Drinks with friend...not cheating. Lying about working late to go to drinks with friend...sketchy and dishonest. Lying about working late to go to drinks with friend you want to bone......looking to cheat.

    They're not happy together, spare the money for the counsellor and part ways.
  56. Anony Mouse from Canada writes: The Wet One wrote...Espcially if you're just a regular guy, who, like every other regular guy, is attracted to women (note I said women plural, not woman singular, because what male is attracted only to one single woman and no other? What balderdash!)

    =====

    I so agree with this! I said in an earlier post it is absolutely naive to think that your partner is never going to be attracted to anyone else...or to even ATTEMPT to control those feelings and attractions.

    My partner and I are faithful to one another, however we both will at times feel an attraction to someone else. We share this with one another and discuss it. We both realize when we are feeling those attractions it is usually a mere objectification or sexual lust, and it does not make our own love for one another any less for it.

    We share these attractions with tact and respect; and accept them the same way. For some I know, this is unheard of. To us, it is very freeing. My partner has disclosed that in past relationships he has felt ashamed, controlled, obligated and dishonest for not being able to share such feelings without being judged, attacked, or the conversation leading to tears and blame.

    We do not possess one another, nor do we possess one anothers feelings and desires. To some, this may seem like a "lack of commitment", but we both realize that we are free to leave at anytime we choose - the point is that we make the choice, to this point, every day, to stay as we feel alive and enriched in being together (rather than controlled or obligated).

    For us, it works.

    For the record, I am female.
  57. Harrison Cameron from Canada writes: As the author stated there is an obvious lack of trust in this relationship, and unfortunately for the husband, he seems to have validated his wife's insecurities.

    I would argue though that because of the lack of trust between this married couple, because the wife is so jealous and controlling, that the husband feels a need to talk with other women due to his inability to fully open up to his wife.

    And as for the author's comment about wanting more information regarding whether the couple has kids, I think it's irrellevant. If anything I'd want more information about past infidelities if any.

    This issue is about the parent's relationship, not their relationship with their children. And, though this might be a harsh comment, I would say that if they had say 2 kids and the wife was still insecure about their relationship and keeping tabs on the husband, it's time to pull the plug and search for greener pastures.
  58. S K from Canada writes: The More I Grow The Less I know from Toronto, Canada.....I've been there once (thank god I was very young when I learned that lesson). But I've seen so many people (guys and girls) go through it. The difference is guys seem to have a lower threshold and get out earlier so they might be crazy for a bit but not for as long as some women will go (years).

    I don't agree that you need to be the centre of their universe or conversly them to you....but I get what you're saying, you should know that you're the person that they actually want to be with and that they respect enough to be honest with. I've seen people who get so attached to each other that they lose their own identity, hobbies and friends and then one day one wakes up, realizes how boring everything is and leaves. If you make them the centre of your universe having them take off could be life shattering.
  59. Remain Nameless from Canada writes:
    Robert from Vancouver writes, "In Toronto if you're with someone of the opposite sex it is assumed you're a couple. In Vancouver many best friends are of opposite sex and there's nothing but friendship involved. "

    My take: In Montreal, if you're with someone of the SAME sex then it is assumed you are a couple.

    But seriously, these days if you are a male and have a drink with a male, ppl think you are gay. And if you are a male and have a drink with a female, they think you on the make. Bottom line: who cares what ppl think. Only you and your drink-mate know your true feelings. You should be open with your spouse, and eliminate all suspicion.
  60. LeVawn Gravenstach from HarperCons offered to buy Cadman's vote -- compare Crim Code s. 119, writes:
    Dear David Eddie,

    I was having some marital trouble (my wife is very suspicious), so I went to consult my priest. He assured me, of course, that our conversation would be completely confidential -- sure, it's not the confessional, but I figured he knew how to keep his mouth shut, right? So in our discussion I mentioned in passing that sometimes I doubted whether I really am a good husband because sometimes I find myself interested by other women.

    A few days later, my wife is freaking! She's shouting divorce and blah blah blah, and I'm asking Why? What gives? Well it turns out the blabbermouth priest wrote to a national newspaper, described our situation in detail, and announced to the whole world that I'm interested in other women.

    The process servers are on their way to your office and the church now -- I hope you're available to meet them.

    Yours truly,

    Screwed Over by Bizarrely Inconsiderate Blabbermouths
  61. Fred Forest from Canada writes: I suspect the 'Ghost Call' was not an accident. This woman is making herself quite unlikeable and driving her husband away. She's probably already done enough damage that they should just split.
  62. Cindy Sullivan from Halifax, Canada writes: Ministers and Priests are not in any way, shape or form, allowed to give out information from private sessions and can be sued if they do so.
  63. The More I Grow The Less I know from Toronto, Canada writes: S K from Canada and Fake Name from Canada : i refrence the article in my statement ''centre of the universe''. agreed, there are a lot of negatives in making someone the centre of your universe, however, i am in a healthy relationship where respect and honesty are at the forefront, and hindsight is 20/20. maybe better stated would be, ladies and gentlemen, if your not getting what you deserve, get out!
  64. james greystone from Canada writes: i wouldn't tolerate anyone calling me repeatedly. so there's never a problem.
  65. John Smith from Toronto, Canada writes:
    Who makes this stuff up?

    No priest would ever write in to the Globe and Mail for advice. Please.

    Somebody is trying too hard to sell (free) papers.
  66. T P from Canada writes: Remember the old phrase: Where's there's smoke, there's fire... Incidentally, one thing I'd like to see is advice on how-to-leave. Paul Simon sang there must be 50 ways. Everyone always writes advising people to get out of a relationship but I never see the "how". Most of us have mortgages, credit lines/cards, kids, etc etc. So if there's never any money left at the end of the day, how does one spouse leave and live elsewhere?? How does the other spouse cope? And what's to stop one angry spouse spending whatever little money there is in the account? Can someone point me to a website where some of the logistics are actually explained? I'd really appreciate practical, working, advice. I'm sure others would as well.
  67. Karla B from Canada writes: David wrote this one himself.
  68. Carrie-Ann K from Ottawa, Canada writes: Yeesh...Break up already and move on. Yes, there are jealous control freaks from both genders partaking in harrassing their partners out of their own fears/insecurities/insert-issue-here, but then there are the ones who develop this behaviour because their 'better half' has set off some silent alarms. The story sounds fake to me but it does touch one of the nastiest emotions we have. So many people go apes**t in a jealous rage and do some really stupid and regrettable things. I wonder what the husband's reaction (and our responses) would have been had the roles been reversed.
  69. Zarny YYC from Calgary, Canada writes: LeVawn Gravenstach from HarperCons offered to buy Cadman's vote -- compare Crim Code s. 119, writes:

    "A few days later, my wife is freaking! She's shouting divorce and blah blah blah, and I'm asking Why? What gives? Well it turns out the blabbermouth priest wrote to a national newspaper, described our situation in detail, and announced to the whole world that I'm interested in other women."

    No names were provided therefore no confidential information was disclosed.

    Sorry about your luck but your rant is off base.
  70. LeVawn Gravenstach from HarperCons offered to buy Cadman's vote -- compare Crim Code s. 119, writes: Zarny YYC from Calgary, Canada writes: LeVawn Gravenstach from HarperCons offered to buy Cadman's vote -- compare Crim Code s. 119, writes:

    "A few days later, my wife is freaking! She's shouting divorce and blah blah blah, and I'm asking Why? What gives? Well it turns out the blabbermouth priest wrote to a national newspaper, described our situation in detail, and announced to the whole world that I'm interested in other women."

    No names were provided therefore no confidential information was disclosed.

    Sorry about your luck but your rant is off base.

    ================

    You're out to lunch if you imagine the couple wouldn't be able to figure out this is about them when they add up a suspicious wife, the involvement of a priest, a ghost call, and an overheard convo with an unnamed woman.
  71. Kathy M from Ottawa, Canada writes: Gack! This is advice!?! I have reluctantly read this column from time to time, almost always with rolling eyes, as David Eddie doles out his brand of trite, uninsightful and almost always unfounded advice. The sad thing is that people are writing in with real problems and are being counselled by a wise-cracking, fake therapist who likes to write more about himself rather than address the problem with solid research and educated advice. Isn't it sort of dangerous for the GLobe and Mail to take part in handing out unfounded advice to troubled people ? Also, the guy's writing is horrid... full of hackneyed expressions, paragraphs that go nowhere, and then in the end... really, really bad advice! I can't believe such lousy writing is found in the Globe and Mail... this reads like a Toronto Sun column!

    But today's column was the worst ever! His advice to this poor priest was all over the place... from keeping them together, counselling one to be strong, and then letting the marriage go. What the...?

    How can the Globe and Mail keep publishing this stuff? Is this David Eddie the editor's nephew? What gives here? And where is the editor... how does this stuff pass by the editor?
  72. Jah Nee Kah Sun from Canada writes: The drinker should bail on the wife ASAP. Getting called 3 or 4 times a day? What a clinging Harpie.
  73. Dan P from Calgary, Canada writes: David Eddie, you sound incredibly boring. Attraction to others is normal. "Thinking about cheating" is called having fantasies, and is also normal. The difference between imagination and reality is what video games and the entertainment industry are all about - but there is a very real difference.
  74. Brian L from Canada writes: There is enough information in this article, notably the uniqueness of the event, the description of behaviors and the wife's response to the event, that the priest has violated the sanctity of the confessional.

    A serious moral and ethical breach. The priest needs to seek training to ensure it does not happen again or face the sanctions of the Church.

    As to having a drink with a member of the opposite sex amounting to cheating?

    The answer turns on the context.
  75. rethink it from Canada writes: love is about whatever you make it- if you make it about mistrust, jealousy and betrayal thats what you get
    the wife is making this what it is and when she gets her divorce love will be about being abandoned etc....and she'll repeat the whole process in her next deal until she herself can redefine love
    She needs help- the guy is innocent and just trying to survive the insane amount of check-in calls-i'd be going out for a drink too
  76. boden surea from United States writes: If this article is real I'm an leprechaun. So here's my idea. Padre suggest the young man ask his wife for a three way. After she is done beating him senseless, he can move out without matrimony payments.

    If this gets past the sensors I'll be flabbergasted. Mostly this is for the amusement of the sensors. have a nice day.
  77. Mark Grey from Vancouver, Canada writes: Why the strong support for the prevailing Hollywood-inspired morality of "faithful until death" ... the male should simply ask his wife if she would agree to an open relationship. The whole concept of monogamy is beyond ridiculous. If I can spend a couple of days with a colleague at a conference, or spend a day with a friend skiing or golfing, then who cares if I diddle with another human being, as long as everyone practices safe diddling? If the wife is not open to the concept, let her find a man who is dishonest with himself and believes he is monogamous, or has a low libido and is satisfied with just one woman. If the wife is open to it, then she can surrender the judgements and illusions of the monogamy cult(ure) and embrace honest living in the real world, instead of insisting that we must all live in little prisons defined by the insecurities of someone who happens to be emotionally attached to us.
  78. J P from Canada writes: This issue is real for many couples (even if the story is not).
    That said, this is not rocket science.
    If you would feel comfortable with your wife watching and listening to what you are doing AND, if your wife would ALSO feel just as comfortable watching and listening to what you are doing, your golden.
    Otherwise, in my books, you're cheating.
  79. Ocean Lover from Canada writes: My husband and I call or email each other several times during the day because we like each other a lot and enjoy chatting. Does that make us clingy and unhealthy? I don't think so. There's a lot of sweeping statements here, as usual. If my husband lied to me, I'd have a problem with him. Period. I'd expect that if I lied to him, he'd have a problem with me too.
  80. little bear from Canada writes: I have three buddies who ended up playing slap hand grab a-s and are now divorced and all three state the same thing that it all started with either having a coffee with a woman or a drink.

    Unless you want to have trouble most reasonably bright guys know that you just don't have little drinks with other women.

    Hardly a woman alive who would not have a problem with that unless she is doing the same thing.

    The problem here is that this guy admits he has interest in other women so there is no way he can keep that secret from a wife (cannot be done), so she naturally assumes the worst.

    Yes she has a problem but this guy is not too bright either.
  81. Alberta Marlowe from Halifax, Canada writes: Kathy M from Ottawa, Canada writes: "The sad thing is that people are writing in with real problems and are being counselled by a wise-cracking, fake therapist who likes to write more about himself rather than address the problem with solid research and educated advice."

    Do you really think these questions are real, Kathy? If you look carefully at each one (if you can be bothered, and I fully understand if you can't. Most of us have better things to do...) there is usually something in the question which just doesn't wash. In one we had landlords going after parents for their daughter's errant rent money; in this one we have a priest writing a national newspaper columnist for advice about what is supposed to be a confidential matter between parishioner and priest. What's next, a lawyer writing in for advice about his client's problem? I think it's time the Globe 'fessed up. These are made up.
  82. Alberta Marlowe from Halifax, Canada writes: Ocean Lover from Canada writes: "My husband and I call or email each other several times during the day because we like each other a lot and enjoy chatting. Does that make us clingy and unhealthy? I don't think so."

    Perhaps not, but if you're chatting on cell phones where other people have to listen to you that makes you annoying.
  83. mich gau from pg, Canada writes: Yes, I do think it is natural to find yourself attracted to many other people for the rest of your life - but if you have decided to marry then you need to respect your marriage and not feed these desires (unless your spouse is into swinging). You can maybe take the thoughts home and have them as your fantasy, but you can't emit the 'interested' vibe unless you don't mind labeling what you are doing as 'cheating'.

    having someone call you incessantly isn't going to drive you to 'cheating' - it might drive you crazy and you might tell your partner where to go and what to do with the phone once they are there.
    People cheat because they are insecure, or greedy, or horny, or needy- not because they are smothered or angry (which would be a different topic all together )

    i had a boyfriend of almost 6 years who said he treasured his female friends- which i understand because i have many male friends in my life who are there to stay. but this boyfriend didn't understand how to keep his friendships from turning continually into bigger deals on a regular basis. and not only did he not get why this was a problem- it continually got worse until he left me for one of them. i sensed it all along but i always thought that it was me feeling jealous and that i shouldn't feel jealous... and really i wasn't jealous - i wasn't into being disrespected. and now after 6 years i have wasted soo much time investing myself into this relationship - i wonder- maybe if i called him a little bit more often to check in - would he have dropped me sooner out of annoyance and spared me wasting my time? or would i have caught on earlier that my suspicions were right and left?

    either way- if they are wanting to cheat - calling them frequently isn't really going to affect that. people love to use the excuse that their spouse doesn't treat them right to justify their wandering eyes. its a classic. most people aren't really brave enough to cheat without an excuse
  84. Susan Walsh from Canada writes: When will we all (male and female) realize that jealousy is the most unflattering toxic quality to posess of them all! Have some self respect girl!!! Do you really want him to come running home to you or decline that drink just because you demanded he do so! NO!
    Pick yourself up - dust yourself off and realize that we are all just little tiny microscopic specs on this HUGE planet!!!!

    To quote Freud: "Familiarity does not breed contempt.....it doesn't breed at all"
    do you get it!?
    What separates us from most of the other mammals is our layers.....emotional, physical, intellectual....god forbid it take more than ONE other human to meet all those needs! I wouldn't expect my husband to be responsible for ALL that!

    Lets all relax boys & girls and enjoy the ride!
  85. little bear from Canada writes: Susan I bet you believe the Walt Disney movies as well. Jealousy is a fact with many and suggesting that it is not right does not change a thing.

    Cheating is a fact in many marriages and reading the stats does not help and reading news papers etc. etc. often just furthers the problem.

    This fellow admitted he finds other women attractive and seems like he feeds his wife's problem. Some of these guys love the jealousy as it makes them feel wanted and loved.

    Had too many buddies go down this path and nothing good ever came from it.

  86. Kathy M from Ottawa, Canada writes: Yes, Alberta Marlowe from Halifax, I think you are right! The 'problems' presented in this column sound made-up... and this one is especially suspect. A priest sending in a question to an advice column while 'outing' the people seeking his confidence? Sounds like someone dreamed this one, you are so right.
    I am often intrigued by the title of the articles in this column, which is more tabloid-like than anything else in the Globe and Mail, and then remember when none of it makes sense that, oh yes, this the column full of unqualified advice and rantings from a self-absorbed fake-counsellor'.
  87. S W from Canada writes: little bear - no disrespect....but I didn't say it was "not right" I am well aware of it's presence. I myself gave into the green monster for many years- so exhausting.
    What I was trying to say (without being too wordy) was that I wish more women could just find that place where they realize that the trait itself is a time waster. Infidelity is going to happen if it is going to happen.
    Use that energy trying to keep track of him and turn it inward!
    Let go of that sense of control.....
    Marriage itself is redefining itself everyday - as all our relationships are.
    I could go off on a rant now about the differences between male & females physically - sexually - how they interpret love and attachment, respect...but it would take more than 2000 key strokes. lol
    i wish there was a way women could truly enter into a man's mind & body to see the clear differences and how they justify things etc.
    fascinating to me...

    now you'll have to excuse me - the suggestion that I probably believe in Disney films prompted me to rent Snow White - golly gee, I hope she get's her Prince Charming in the end....if he really exists...
  88. Chrissy Simon from Canada writes: This marriage sounds like a hopeless case. Either he's a lying cheating, ba$tard who has driven his poor wife to monitoring his movements with his cell phone or she's an insanely jealous person who is emotionally abusing him with her constant baseless accusations of infidelity. As readers we don't know the details, but neither scenerio is a sound basis for a ralationship that is supposed to be based on trust. They should stop making each other miserable and divorce.
  89. little bear from Canada writes: Susan

    You sound like a smart woman who has worked on the green monster and over come.

    Yes Prince Charming does in fact exist But I am taken. I have been married for 41 years to a great woman but I have a few rules that both of us abide by and have never broken unless we have discussed this in advance.

    -I never comment on a womans appearance to my wife.
    - I am never alone in a social setting with another woman.
    - I never meet a woman alone even if it is a friend and never for coffee
    - I never have the touchy feely conversations with a woman unless my wife is present.
    - I never help a woman unless my wife is there or other people even if it is a friend.

    Over my years I have worked hard at pin pointing stress points and land mines in a marriage and avoided them and as a result I have never been questioned by my wife on anything I have done.

    Many guys bait their wives subltly with cute little comments about other women and enjoy the effect. boneheads
  90. little bear from Canada writes: Further to my comment above. Many women love nothing better than to find some guy who will sit and listen to them spout about their feelings etc. etc. etc. regardless of whether they are married or not.

    Our rule is that women consult with their girlfriends and men with their buddies and if that does not do it then there are professionals.

    Even at my age it is still something to keep an eye on as there are a whole bunch of single widows etc. out there looking for somebody.

    Just because she is a granny does not mean she is not on the prowl.

    May have forgotten why, but still on the prowl.
  91. S W from Canada writes: ooohhh little bear...you will have to give me some time on this one. There was ALOT of information in that last posting. one point I will touch on is how limiting it is for both of you to deny yourself dialogue with the opposite sex. (in a public or private setting) If it wasn't for the perspective brought to the table by some of my other male friends (past and present) i wouldn't be the person I am today. Professionals have a definative agenda when we reach out to them. It is difficult in their position to be unbias, to share personal experiences. It is sharing those personal experiences with others that helps us all become who we are. I am not the same person I was when i was 22 yrs old - I am 44 yrs old now. I have grown and changed and matured in so many ways. I have so much respect for you though - it sounds like you and your wife truly are soulmates which is beautiful in itself. My own parents were the same. 51 yrs!!! My Dad is alone now and misses my mom sooooo much. I have enjoyed this dialogue with you little bear - i have learned alot - my husband has been privey to it as I am sure your wife has been as well. I wish there could be more discussions like this. I do tend to agree with some of the other "posters" about these columns though......sometimes i think they are a little contrived.. take care :)
  92. little bear from Canada writes: SW Trust is so easy to lose and so hard to gain or regain and I have never been willing to risk that.

    My wife is not the jealous type but I believe to some extent that is because I have never ever given her any reason to be.

    Some women like nothing more than to cause trouble and even if there was nothing going on they can make it look like there is.

    Like "I had pete over yesterday to do some work" batting eye lashes. Implying that there was something there.

    The other factor is that women have hormones that go nuts at times and their entire personality changes. I had women working for me that were going through that and it was wild, they could imagine the craziest things.

    As for the other perspective, if I need it, my wife will give it to me in spades.

    No thanks too much to lose and nothing really to gain. I am not a gambler. Fortunately for me many of my friends are much the same as me so it is never a problem. Old fashioned and like it that way.
  93. The Wet One from Edmonchuk, Canada writes: These articles and comments are so entertaining. It's rather like an intellectualized version of Jerry Springer. I love it!

    Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
  94. con hack loser PM is bad for Canada from Canada writes:
    Reverse the genders and no doubt women would insist the man was being possessive, and had major insecurity issues that could possibly lead to spousal abuse.
  95. Farm Boy from The Burbs, Canada writes: little bear - What a perfect little marriage you have! Sounds too good to be true! If it is true, you're one in a thousand!
  96. little bear from Canada writes: Farm Boy I would say it is about as good as it gets, but it took one hell of a lot of work and thinking to get it here.

    In reading some of the comments on this site I can readily understand why 51% of all marriages fail. It seems to be all about me and my feelings, my development, my growth as a person and on and on.

    Many of us old farts had a couple of words that seem to be lost in history and that is commitment and sacrifice.

    She cares about me more than herself and has demonstrated that over and over again and I do the same.

    About as extreme as it gets is "I would prefer if you did not do that or go there" which only happens on very rare occassions and that is enough for either of us.

    Yup it has been pretty good for 41 years and hopefully for many more.

  97. little bear from Canada writes: Farm Boy You say one in a thousand, well maybe you are correct but we have a lot of friends who have been married for as long as we have or longer and seem to be doing real well also.

    Those who are having problems seem to be with their kids or money.

    I made the money and she managed it except for investments. Worked well as I am not a detail person, she is. Work to each others strengths.

    Thanks, as until I wrote this I never realized how good we had it.

  98. Farm Boy from The Boonies, Canada writes: little bear - You say "She cares about me more than herself and has demonstrated that over and over again and I do the same." I think that's the key.
  99. little bear from Canada writes: Farm Boy Probably true. It is about us not me.

    We also recognize each others strengths and weaknesses and play to the strengths. Where she is strong I am weak and vice versa.

    I also think that couples have to be extremely sensitive to hazards within the marriage and minimize them. This goes back to the having coffees etc. alone with members of the oposite sex. There is a potential danger there.

    If I am walking through a mine field I want to have a highly developed mine detector and use it. To do otherwise is just plain stupid, unless of course the marriage does not mean much to you.

    In this throw away society people and things are disposable with some people, and probably why they go through life going from the penthouse to the outhouse, financially, mentally and emotionally.
  100. K S from Recipro City, Canada writes: Mark Grey from Vancouver, Canada writes: "The whole concept of monogamy is beyond ridiculous. ".... to you. Not to a whole lot of people who want something called commitment. Let's face it, if most people really were wired the way you think they are, monogamous marriage wouldn't have lasted as long as it has as an institution. Even with the appalling divorce rate people are still lining up to say their vows. By the way, vows mean promises. They aren't just there for decorative aspects of a ceremony. If the idea of fidelity really wasn't that important, people wouldn't be so impressed with having a partner that commits to it.

    Little bear, it sounds like you and your spouse have the right idea. Best of luck to both of you.
  101. little bear from Canada writes: KS

    Thanks but I don't think that luck has much to do with it but rather work,a few brains and setting the right focus and priorities.

    Who is she and what makes her happy and what do we need to sustain our life style.

    What makes her unhappy and would detract from the quality of our lives? These I minimize.

    Is she the most important thing in my life or am I?

    So far so good.
  102. mary wells from Canada writes: Trust your gut feelings......if something feels wrong than theres a good chance it is....this goes for women and men...I ignored my gut feelings and stayed with a serial philanderer for 10 years....he actually made me think I was imaging all these "coincidentals"......I was not and this was made clear after I finally shed myself of this person.I am now happily and healthily married to someone who I feel calm and secure with.
  103. little bear from Canada writes: Mary That is great. Have a wonderful life.

    There are some of us guys out there that took the vows seriously.

    I amputate anything or anybody that threatens my marriage.
  104. Michael Hall from Toronto, Canada writes: Admittedly, a priest writing to a newspaper for advice is far-fetched. The real story is what do we think about spouses having private encounters with members of the oppposite sex (Note: In "closed" gay relationships, partnered guys aren't meeting alone with single guys.) This particular story has too many unanswered questions to really provide sound advice to the priest. Who was the cocktail woman and why was hubby meeting her? Does his job require him to meet in similar situations with both sexes? Was the encounter just one of many that take place for business purposes? If it's a business meeting, to what extent does the husband describe to his wife who attends them? Why was the wife unaware he was at a meeting to begin with-- if it was outside of normal work hours? Did the husband purposely set the stage for his wife to "discover" the encounter after the fact? The answers are irrelevant, however. The wife's rush to divorce easily demonstrates her mistrust of her husband and mistrust does not occur after one incident. I might even add that if she was truly just a "jealous" wife out of control she would not be rushing to divorce him because she would be too insecure to follow through. But, no matter how innocent the husband might be, he has not adjusted his actions or behaviour in order to maintain or build his wife's confidence when he is away from her. If indeed this was a "jealous" wife, the husband would be accutely aware of it-- afterall, they are married. If he decides her jealousy cannot be corrected or controlled, he may be ready to bolt. Perhaps fearful of initiating a divorce or even angry with her, he places himself in innocent, but compromising situations with other women to force her to make a decison he won't make himself.

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